Loving In Silence

Heartaches – as what some say come naturally when you fall in love but it’s the last thing most lovers think about before falling in love. Ironically though, people still want to be in love and wanted to be loved in return. But that’s not always the case. There are people who are being loved but they just can’t reciprocate the feeling. And there are people who choose to love those who don’t love them back. Should I simply understand this as what they call “complicated”?

Somehow, I asked myself why in the world do I have to fall madly in love with a man who barely has time to love. Some friends name him as my ultimate crush but I could not call him so. How can they define it a crush when this feeling has been jamming my mind for many years? It takes an extraordinary courage for a woman to open up her feelings to the man she loves. Sadly, there’s no university where I could study and learn that courage so I just choose to hold my feeling to myself.

I met him in 2004. He was neither a typical guy nor someone who looked so attractive. But he has this kind of appeal and charm that could make one wonder why he isn’t having a girlfriend yet. I heard a lot about him from his younger sister who was then my classmate in college and the one who gave his number to me. He didn’t talk a lot, simply put, a guy with one word. When I met him, I was not that young at age for I was already twenty-two but was still inexperience in terms of relationships. I called him “kuya” although I had a crush on him. But I think I was very childish then.

I remember inviting him to the wedding of my relative. I was very happy when he came but I didn’t know how to entertain him, I didn’t know what to do. How I hoped that day would never end but the day seemed shortened for he had to hurry back to his workplace. I hated to admit but I could not take his face off my mind. I must be in love!

The days went on and I hadn’t gotten even a single message from him. I tried to find some ways to see him again but there were nothing I could think about. The only thing I could do was to drop by outside of the office where he worked just to see him but I never saw him once. I then sought the help of my uncle. With my uncle’s desire to support his niece, he decided to have our business receipts printed at the printing press where “kuya” worked as a graphic designer. I was so glad and expectant that this step would succeed. I called him (nervously) and told him about the receipt. An answer I didn't expect was what I got from him. He just told me to find another printing press for they charged higher than others. Failed! Nevertheless, I didn’t stop right there. I continued sending him messages when I had the chance to use my mother’s phone. I greeted him, I asked him how he was, and sent him quotes. His reply where always “thanks”, “ok”, “fine”. And he never sent any message first.

With that kind of response, I realized he really had no interest in me. It was hard but I had to let go of my feelings. I told myself that the man I loved was the guy my classmate told me about, it wasn’t him. I deleted his number and taught myself to forget him.

Eight years had passed. I’ve had through a relationship but couldn’t forget “kuya” completely. Each day I wish that I would see him somewhere. July of 2012, I didn’t expect to see him again at an assembly. My heart beat faster. I didn’t know whether I would say “hi”, “hello”, or just say nothing at all. Anyway, I did the latter. After the program, we had some picture taking. I was so uneasy for he was the one who took the picture but why didn’t he seem to know me? To avoid being hurt, I told myself that he surely already had a girlfriend but later I found out that he didn’t have one.

After that day, the feeling that I have been trying to erase came back. It’s not that I am expecting him to like me as well but I am glad to see him again. This time my only wish was to get his number but it was hard.

One day, I was surprised when his sister told me to attend a certain seminar. I was hesitant to go at first because I would be busy on the seminar scheduled date. But when she said that her brother might be the speaker, I accepted the invitation without second thought.

The seminar had started when I arrived but he wasn't the speaker. When he saw me, he approached me, stretched his hand for a shake hands. Simple yet memorable time for me. From that time on, we regularly meet for some business arrangements and sometimes a simple meal with friends and his family.

The more I get to know him, the more I have the reason to love him. He’s not just very nice outside but also inside. Our usual business and friendly conversations are good enough to make my heart jump with joy. Although I don’t see any signs of him liking me, I am grateful that I have a special friend like him to treasure. But I wouldn't stop praying that someday, he would see and realize that I am just around waiting.

 I booked him in my phone as “my raindrops” because every time I shed tears thinking about my hopeless love for him, it also rains. I am happy because at least, something knows what I feel “the sky”.

It doesn't mean that because I didn't speak for it, I'm losing the person. Sometimes keeping your feelings ease-out our actions. Some things are just never meant to be no matter how much we wish they were, but I'm too young to let go. Who knows? I'm neither lockin' up this heart of mine, true love will always find me in the end I know.

Photo source: google

                                                                                                 Source: MCB